The wheel has been one of the fundamental technologies powering human civilisation since the very beginning. Now, for the first time, we might be witnessing its historic demise.

Felix Ventor of Static has invented the Treel - a replacement for the wheel that promises to take vehicular traffic, and indeed all known mechanical systems, into the future. Though critics say it’s actually just an unusable triangle-shaped object that lacks the fluid rolling qualities of a round wheel, Ventor’s social media fanbase is vehement in its support for the Treel.

“Nothing starts out perfect,” said Soojan Maska, a social media user whose profile describes her as a computer scientist, “People complaining about the Treel’s starting troubles are failing to see what it may become one day.”

Maska herself has installed Treels on her car and says that aside from leaving her slightly jaded at the end of short journeys and her car almost completely wrecked, the Treel is a great replacement for wheels. “I used to fall asleep while driving. That doesn’t happen anymore, even though I did pass out once after my head hit the car’s roof. I think I might replace my steering wheel with a Treel too.” She now lives in her car, having recently sold her house to buy the four Treels.

Last week, answering questions after a presentation before the media, Ventor said that his company has taken note of user complaints. “The Treel is a perfect design. But present day vehicles were designed with outdated wheel thinking. We are going to need a complete overhaul of all transport systems, right down to all the tiny wheels serving as machine parts in engines. Until that happens, compatibility issues are bound to surface.”

Madho Ghuskharan, co-founder of global venture capital agency Doctor & Gamble, said his $2 trillion investment in Static was partly because he didn’t know what to do with his gambling money but partly also because he was impressed by Ventor’s passion for a more efficient future. “He hit me on the head with a dildo during a presentation. That kind of audacity can be found either in a brazen-faced scammer or a legendary genius. I’m betting he’s the latter.” Ghuskharan admitted he doesn’t know what a Treel is or what it looks like.

Now, as Ventor’s fans on social media post pictures of burning tyres and threaten to kill anyone with tyres on their vehicles after calling them establishment shills, Static is successfully lobbying lawmaker’s on all sides of the aisle to pass legislation to promote the use of Treels in systems everywhere.

The Trade Federation customer helpline has its hands full dealing with harsh feedback from Jedi all over the galaxy. The latest Light Saber 11 is disappointing apprentices and causing Master Yoda to say “Told you so, I did”.

“I got saber-banned for three months for no reason,” said Romen Folo, a Jedi Order aspirant from Holnak. “There was no notification of any kind and when I followed up with their customer service, they said there is no such thing as a saber-ban. Then someone on the holonet told me I was not allowed to speak ill of the Emperor within twenty meters of my light saber.”

Romen Folo said was hoping to brush up on his light saber skills before joining the order next year as an apprentice to Master Aloo Vindaloo. Romen Folo’s mother said her son just wanted to get away from the farm and that it would probably be good for the farm and several local animals and droids if he did.

Master Gran Tol from the Jedi Temple at Coruscant said he had warned of such things long ago but no one listens to him anymore. “Every bloody day there is a great disturbance in the force. Then it turns out it’s some new viral video on the holonet that the entire galaxy is raging about. Even the younglings are on their devices all day bathing in fear and anger. It leads to stupidity you know! And the stupid buy light sabers from the Sith.”

Gran Tol is not the ony one to suggest the Dark Side might have something to do with the Light Saber 11. But the Trade Federation has denied all allegations of colluding with the Sith. “The Trade Federation is committed to serving the galaxy’s technological needs and counts the Jedi Order among our most valued customers. We don’t know who this Darth Sidious person is,” a spokesperson said.

Speaking about the technical difficulties with the Light Saber 11, the Trade Federation spokesperson said, “We believe that a network of Light Sabers connected to a central server that tracks them, sends crucial security updates, and can turn them on or off at any time is a boon for Jedi everywhere.” When asked why the central server was located on the controversial Death Star, the spokesperson said the megastructure had been chosen for purely logistical reasons and urged the galaxy to not make things political.

The Trade Federation’s justifications however, are failing to satisfy everyone. Master Rolex Beau, recently returned from the tragic battle of Kar Ela, says he is certain the Sith are controlling the new Light Sabers. “My apprentice Satya Naas had purchased the Light Saber 11 instead of building his own like we did in our time. On Kar Ela, the cursed thing just turned itself off right when he was about to cut off Darth Tekno’s head. I will never forget his last words — it’s still in warranty. May the Force be with him!”

Though the Trade Federation is calling these isolated malfunctions, an increasing number of Jedi are now calling for a return to Light Saber 4, a device without networking features, widely considered to be the last stable and functional model to come from the Trade Federation. Some Jedi are even calling for a return to the days when building one’s own Light Saber was considered normal. However, skeptics believe that is easier said than done.

“I can’t even remember when I last saw a hand-made light saber,” says Clandu Toth, a reformed smuggler aboard the newly refurbished Centennial Eagle. “I don’t think anyone even remembers how to do that anymore. And I know for a fact that the Federation buys out black and grey market shops that still build them the old way. Either that, or they just force them shut with boycotts and the like.”

BRO Corp’s latest fitness accessory Lift Pod is being panned by gym-goers everywhere. Most of their feedback is on the lines of “they are missing the point of exercise”. But some of BRO Corp’s most ardent customers and fans disagree. They believe that a robot that lifts weights for them at the gym is going to revolutionise the fitness industry.

BRO Corp’s supporters in the AI Artist community labelled the naysayers “anti-progress luddites” who were possibly Leftists and definitely had some kind of personal vendetta against BRO Corp CEO Felon Husk because they were jealous of the money that his father left him before he died of old age surrounded by greeting cards sent by his closest investors and shareholders.

Why else, they ask, would someone be opposed to revolutionary technology that greatly reduced human effort? After all, that’s what it is all about, isn’t it? Reducing human effort?

Felon has mumbled in a number of podcasts about how the goal of all technology is to destroy effort entirely and make every action possible without even trying.

Trying, as the title of his latest book (written in collaboration with LLMs trained on the works of the 21st century’s most mind-numbingly mediocre personal development gurus) goes, is the Enemy. The book details Felon’s deep personal struggles with purchasing the rights to mines, forested areas, and civic institutions the world over.

…I realised then that I shouldn’t have to try. Things I want should automatically belong to me. Trying is the enemy I should try to kill.

From the Introduction to Trying is The Enemy by Felon Husk. Hustle Books (a subsidiary of BRO Publishing).

Speaking to no one in particular, M Dash, a spokesman for the BRO Corp said, “Just as how AI Art tools removed the need for artists in society, soon BRO Corp’s Flesh Pod Service will eliminate the need for sex itself. I think we can all agree that sex is messy, time-consuming and hard to get, especially if you hate women. We all know the only reason anyone would ever want to have sex is to make a baby. Now there is a better way to do it. Just print a clone! No need to even look at a woman!”

BRO Corp’s Flesh Pod Service, which many critics are referring to as ‘Clone Farms’, allow users to design, download, and print babies in the comfort of their own homes.

Though some have pointed out that the service is too expensive for unemployed gamers and influencers to afford, the BRO Corp website lists several affordable plans. The cheapest of these is the ‘Future Bro’ plan, under which one can license a baby instead of purchasing it under the condition that upon reaching the age of 15, the child will become a BRO Corp employee and be sent off to work in a BRO Corp factory of the company’s choosing.

Five days after Auto Kumar, the CEO of an AI company here in the city, went missing, investigations haven’t turned up anything. The last person to have seen him was his secretary Chinta Misra. According to her, the CEO was planning on visiting noted serial killer Dexter Morgan with the intention of selling him his company’s suite of AI products.

“He had an entire deck ready with AI-generated images of Dexter sitting back as our chatbot runs all the background checks and investigates his potential victims for him. That way, he could focus on the actual task of stabbing the victim,” Chinta Misra said.

When approached for a comment, Dexter said he has never met Auto Kumar and would have no reason to kill him. “He doesn’t fit my code,” Dexter said.

Chinta Misra shared with us emails sent by Auto Kumar to Dexter Morgan over the last month. In addition to the aforementioned slides about AI doing Dexter’s research for him, the emails also contain mention of an AI Agent that Auto Kumar was in the process of building. This tool would seemingly be capable of taking over the entire process from start to finish by scanning all databases for potential serial killers, making a plan to murder them, and eventually actually doing the killing using drones and robots. The agent would even be able to dispose of the bodies.

There is only one reply in the thread from Dexter. It is as follows.

Dear Mr Kumar.

Thank you for your offer of automating my “workflow”. But I like to do things myself.

This includes the research, the background checks, preparing the kill room, the little heart-to-heart, and eventually the actual stabbing and getting rid of the body after chopping it into nine pieces. I don’t want any part of it automated as that would defeat the purpose of the entire process for me.

Please never contact me again unless you want me to make an exception in my code (of which you seem to be a huge admirer).

Thank you!

Chinta Kumari said that Auto Kumar had expected such a response. She said, “Sir says every time great technological advances have come, people have been resistant towards them at first. But everyone eventually adapts. He was sure he would be able to convince Dexter Morgan to change his mind.”

Though the investigation is ongoing, so far the police have only been able to confirm Auto Kumar’s last known location. It appears to be an abandoned house about twenty kilometres outside the city. One of the rooms was found to be covered in polythene and the walls were decorated with pictures of well-known authors, artists, and music composers.